chrysalissystem

 i forgot that playing video games when dissociating makes me lose track of time badly ah whoops! also makes me forget i exist

 my dreamwidth in 2016: stupid drama bs that didn't even matter
my dreamwidth now: talking about trauma, recording things to know that they were real

copy pasted from somewhere else

 i've categorized our system members into two groups: Type 1 and Type 2. Type 1 represents alters formed before age 9, which would include me, the littles that showed up, and possibly Lionel. Type 2 are alters who formed after age 9. So that would be Trickster, M, Oliver, etc. Most alters who post here would be Type 2. 

I've also decided to add a subtype: Subtype J. Subtype J are alters who all think they're the "real" alter, take on the body's appearance (or past appearance), and were basically unaware of each other for a long time. The littles and I would count as Subtype J. Lionel wouldn't count as Subtype J. The "J" in Subtype J doesn't refer to "Jewel" but the first letter of the body's name.

It seems like the littles seem to be more like fragments than fully formed alters. Which kinda makes sense, seeing as they never got to grow up or integrate. Alan started giving them names based on the character traits they show, and I just sort of followed the pattern. So far we've named Candy, Racey, Cookie, Angel and Beauty. (Racey as in liking race cars, not anything weird fyi.) There's more but they haven't really shown up yet. Despite looking like the body, its unclear if all of them are female or not. Some of them want to integrate, some don't. It seems like Beauty is an age slider. But I only say that because she aged up when she became self aware, and then aged back down when she heard my mom stumble.

( drug, flashback ment )

 i feel existential dread inside

 got on a bad drug trip from edibles. started to experience some memories i didn't think i had. started to convulse. went to the hospital. 

( Read more... )

i kinda realized why our alters used the computer so much when i first found out i was part of a system and it wasn't really cause "they only existed when i was using the internet." it was more like

1. they could be present as themselves freely without hiding it
2. any memory gaps could be easily filled in (reading past chat logs) 
3. they were very unfamiliar with a lot of my family members and it could be overwhelming for them

there's probably a reason here i'm missing but idk i can edit it in later. i've been experiencing major brain fog all day

 is it weird that the more i pay attention to my alters the more they start to feel... real? like up to the point where sometimes i'll forget they just live in my head.

like i had a conversation with joseph asking to help push down the spray thing on a can of bug spray because it wouldn't push down, and then it just had to take me a minute to remember i can't actually summon a 35 year old man to fix things for me. as in like... we'd have the same amount of strength. 

i think living alone has made it so that we've been more open with each other so we can sorta act like ourselves. on the downside we all get kinda lonely if we don't talk to a physical person for long enough, and we also might be too open. like, we forget we're not supposed to say "we" in public.

since i've talked more to them its just like... they feel real. like, i knew they're real before, but now it feels like they could exist outside my head. idk if that even makes sense. maybe i'm just starting to break down the walls of my denial.

 my amnesia is so bad holy crap its starting to scare me